ive been approached by two of my closest friends about my family situation.
i dont see my family very often.
my dad and I have not seen each other since christmas.

actually, that goes for my whole dads side of the family.
including my yaya.

yaya is my seventy something mexican grandmother.

how do I get over this anxiety so strong that I vomit?
sneaking off to the bathroom only perpetuates the fear

that I'm some junkie...stealing money?

when will I be "acceptable, dependable, sensible"
i believe I am not any of these things to them.

how do i gain trust lost so long ago
how can i prove to them with my lifestyle that i am something they can trust

im arrogant and believe i can "protect" them from my life
like i know more about life than they do, like i have more experience

i know they have their closet skeletons

i dont want to expose them to mine
im Insecure with a capital i

i want them to believe im fine
believe im healthy
believe im moral
believe im successful

im under the impression that "what my family doesnt know, wont hurt them"

and theres a lot of things i dont want them to know
i dont think im a horrible person in general

i'm sickeningly convinced i don't live up to their standards and never will

"you are 22 matt, you're not a boy anymore...man up"

I hope I can